Ok, so it's been a little while since I've written. Funny, how when the pain stops, I have less of a desire to write.
But it's becoming really obvious that just because the physical pain isn't there anymore doesn't mean that the emotional toll has lessened. I'm still so, so tired all the time. I just can't kick it. I can't lose weight, either. I can stick to an exercise regime, and eat better, and drink tons of water, but nothing ever happens. I weigh 30 pounds more than I did when I went in for surgery, and I just can't seem to lose it. I can't even explain how depressed that's making me. I hate what I see in the mirror to the point where I'm in tears.
I've always been an emotionally fragile person, but life is really giving me a run for my money lately. My boyfriend and I both quit smoking a week ago, and my anger is almost out of control these past couple of days. As if the frustration from quitting smoking wasn't enough, I'm also worried that the stress is going to make the pain come back.
Another kick while I'm down in the dumps lately is that one of my best friends is having her baby shower next month. While I'm happy for her, it makes me sad for me. I don't know whether or not I'll be able to have that, and I feel from the depths of my soul that being a mother is the only thing that I'd really be good at and enjoy in life. And it's the only thing that I may not be able to have.
Today's main frustration has been one that has been a frustration of mine for quite some time: I can't stand the fact that so many women living with endometriosis really don't know the facts about it, if they know anything about it at all. How is this something that effects as many as 10% of women, yet it's not something that's ever discussed in school. Not in elementary school during the "mother-daughter night," not in health class in middle school, and not even health class in high school. Why is this never taught? All it does is make the women suffering from it feel ashamed and alienated. They think they're alone, and women who don't use social media to reach out to other endosisters may never know how surrounded they really are.
Not only is it never even discussed in school, but how am I more educated about this disease than my gynecologist? Shouldn't she be the one teaching me? To make matters even worse, if I so much as insinuate that the doctor might not be correct about something, I'm going to be looked at as a difficult, bitchy patient. Why should I feel ostracized because I want to fight for the best care and treatment for myself? Am I supposed to just lay down and let this disease rule my life? No, I don't think so.
I wish I could do more in the sense of educating women about endometriosis. I'm trying to do my best with clearing up misconceptions and lending advice to women via questions on Twitter and Facebook, but it never feels like enough. There's also no way of being sure that the person you reached out to actually believes what you've said, or if their opinion is just going to be swayed by the next person that comes along and tells them something.
I just want to do more.