Butterflies and Blades

I debated whether or not I should write this, but I think it could be important.  People have a right to know that they're not alone.  Especially when it's something that society says you shouldn't talk about.

I don't know that I'll be able to collect my thoughts well, so bear with me.

When I was 14, I started down the dark, lonely path of self harm.  I'm not going to get into the whys and the hows of it, it is what it is (or it was what it was, I guess?).  Long story short, shortly before I turned 19, I made a promise that I'd never do it again - that's what the butterfly tattoo is that's on my hip.  Fast forward to now, I'm 6 years clean, and I almost threw that away today.  I still knew exactl how to take apart a razor; it was like I'd done it yesterday.  I felt hurt, lost, and like someone had ripped my heart out of my chest.  My world was crashing in around me, and I was quickly losing my sense of who I was.  I felt out of control.  I felt hopeless.  Thankfully, I did the right thing this time.  Because I have a best friend with a beautiful heart and soul, I get to continue counting upwards without an instance of relapse.

I'm not writing this for sympathy, and I'm not writing it for attention.  I'm writing this to let people know that if you're struggling with this or anything like it, there is absolutely hope.  I'm not going to tell you that it's easy, because it's not.  But if I've made it to 6 years, then so can you.  It can be done, and you shouldn't give up, no matter what.  You are not alone, and you are strong enough.  You are enough.

Who Am I?

Who you are is important.  Where you've been, where you are, where you're going.  All of those things matter.  Every life matters.

I started this blog for myself, so I don't believe that I ever really touched on who I am, other than the fact that I have endo.

My past isn't pretty, and I don't enjoy talking about it.  I feel like people think I'm looking for sympathy or support, when that's not what I want or need.  I just hope to make people see that they're not alone.  My past contains things like bullying, depression, self injury, sexual assault, getting laid off of two different jobs before the age of 24, bad relationships, and a whole lot of growing, learning, and discovering life's truths.

My present consists of a lot of change.  Just under 3 months ago, Justin and I moved to North Carolina.  We weren't running away, we weren't "starting over".  We made the decision to pursue better opportunities in life, and do that together in a new place.  I recently got a promotion that I interviewed for, and am finally moving up the ladder for the first time in my working life.  I'm still working on my binge eating, and I'm working on learning how to love myself.  I love working out, and I'm so incredibly happy to no longer have a goal that involves weight.  There will be no more obsessing over the scale, obsessing over calories, all while pretending that that's normal and/or healthy.  I believe that the choice to become a Beachbody Coach was one of the best things I could have done for myself, because I now have such an incredible team of supporters behind me any time I need them.

My future has parts that I can control, and parts that I can't.  Lately, I'm learning how to differentiate, and I'm going to try to accept and let go of the parts that I can't control.

There's so much learning, if you just open yourself up to the opportunity.  I have already wasted so much time unwilling to learn, but that door never closes.  That's something you can control.

Live with love.  That includes loving yourself.

Time to return..

When I'm feeling lost, I usually end up back here.  I started this blog to chronicle my journey with endometriosis, but that't not really a part of my life anymore.  That's been confusing to some people, because, no, there is not a cure.  But there is a choice.  I chose to have excision surgery, and my pain has almost completely subsided.  Because of that, I chose to not have endo be a big part of my life.  Sure, it's always on the back burner, but it doesn't get to control my life.  It only ever dragged me down, and life has enough challenges on it's own without me letting this be another challenge.  I don't intend for that to be offensive, I promise.

I think it's time for me to start chronicling my fitness journey instead, since that's way more relevant to my current life.

Just over a year ago, a good friend of mine got me to try Shakeology.  I hated it for the first week or so.  It's now 13 months later, and I can't imagine my life without it.  I used to need to take a nap every single day, or else I couldn't make it through the day.  My fatigue was nothing short of crippling.  I was so tired that working out wasn't even an option.  If I didn't have the energy to make it through a normal day, how on earth was I supposed to have the energy to make it through a workout, too?

I'm so thankful that my friend introduced me to a different way of living.  My progress has not been huge, and it has not been fast.  But it has been a hell of a learning experience, and I'm still continuing to learn and make little changes every day.  The biggest changes have been in my heart and in my mind, and the stronger that I make those, the easier it will be for my body to follow.


If you're interested in following my journey on a more personal level, you can find me at facebook.com/coachmissyr