Sunday, May 22, 2016

Butterflies and Blades

I debated whether or not I should write this, but I think it could be important.  People have a right to know that they're not alone.  Especially when it's something that society says you shouldn't talk about.

I don't know that I'll be able to collect my thoughts well, so bear with me.

When I was 14, I started down the dark, lonely path of self harm.  I'm not going to get into the whys and the hows of it, it is what it is (or it was what it was, I guess?).  Long story short, shortly before I turned 19, I made a promise that I'd never do it again - that's what the butterfly tattoo is that's on my hip.  Fast forward to now, I'm 6 years clean, and I almost threw that away today.  I still knew exactl how to take apart a razor; it was like I'd done it yesterday.  I felt hurt, lost, and like someone had ripped my heart out of my chest.  My world was crashing in around me, and I was quickly losing my sense of who I was.  I felt out of control.  I felt hopeless.  Thankfully, I did the right thing this time.  Because I have a best friend with a beautiful heart and soul, I get to continue counting upwards without an instance of relapse.

I'm not writing this for sympathy, and I'm not writing it for attention.  I'm writing this to let people know that if you're struggling with this or anything like it, there is absolutely hope.  I'm not going to tell you that it's easy, because it's not.  But if I've made it to 6 years, then so can you.  It can be done, and you shouldn't give up, no matter what.  You are not alone, and you are strong enough.  You are enough.

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