Do more.

Ok, so it's been a little while since I've written.  Funny, how when the pain stops, I have less of a desire to write.

But it's becoming really obvious that just because the physical pain isn't there anymore doesn't mean that the emotional toll has lessened.  I'm still so, so tired all the time.  I just can't kick it.  I can't lose weight, either.  I can stick to an exercise regime, and eat better, and drink tons of water, but nothing ever happens.  I weigh 30 pounds more than I did when I went in for surgery, and I just can't seem to lose it.  I can't even explain how depressed that's making me.  I hate what I see in the mirror to the point where I'm in tears.

I've always been an emotionally fragile person, but life is really giving me a run for my money lately.  My boyfriend and I both quit smoking a week ago, and my anger is almost out of control these past couple of days.  As if the frustration from quitting smoking wasn't enough, I'm also worried that the stress is going to make the pain come back.

Another kick while I'm down in the dumps lately is that one of my best friends is having her baby shower next month.  While I'm happy for her, it makes me sad for me.  I don't know whether or not I'll be able to have that, and I feel from the depths of my soul that being a mother is the only thing that I'd really be good at and enjoy in life.  And it's the only thing that I may not be able to have.

Today's main frustration has been one that has been a frustration of mine for quite some time:  I can't stand the fact that so many women living with endometriosis really don't know the facts about it, if they know anything about it at all.  How is this something that effects as many as 10% of women, yet it's not something that's ever discussed in school.  Not in elementary school during the "mother-daughter night," not in health class in middle school, and not even health class in high school.  Why is this never taught?  All it does is make the women suffering from it feel ashamed and alienated.  They think they're alone, and women who don't use social media to reach out to other endosisters may never know how surrounded they really are.

Not only is it never even discussed in school, but how am I more educated about this disease than my gynecologist?  Shouldn't she be the one teaching me?  To make matters even worse, if I so much as insinuate that the doctor might not be correct about something, I'm going to be looked at as a difficult, bitchy patient.  Why should I feel ostracized because I want to fight for the best care and treatment for myself?  Am I supposed to just lay down and let this disease rule my life?  No, I don't think so.

I wish I could do more in the sense of educating women about endometriosis.  I'm trying to do my best with clearing up misconceptions and lending advice to women via questions on Twitter and Facebook, but it never feels like enough.  There's also no way of being sure that the person you reached out to actually believes what you've said, or if their opinion is just going to be swayed by the next person that comes along and tells them something.

I just want to do more.

It's been a while...

Mostly because I'm slipping back into depression.  Spending every day feeling sorry for myself, trying to find the energy to even get out of bed.

Today is particularly bad.  Got in a lovely fight with the boyfriend today.  It seems that a lot of our fighting is because of things related to endo.

I hate what this disease has done to me.

31 March 2013

So it finally broke me.  3 days ago, I had to leave work early.  The pain had started on Thursday night, but I thought I could just sleep it off.  Turns out, I was very wrong.  I woke up, still in pain, on Friday morning.  Got to work at 9, and ended up leaving at 11:15.  I hadn't even worked a full 2 weeks yet before I had to take almost an entire sick day.  It's so frustrating.  It makes me feel completely lousy.  It can't look good to my bosses, but at the same time, I can't help it.

It's an unfortunate truth that's been put right in my face.  I can't control this.  It's not up to me whether it's going to be a good day or a bad day.  And honestly, acknowledging this feels like admitting defeat.

Considering I just came to that realization right now, I'm going to stop writing for the moment & think about that.

Taking a Break from Laundry...

Tomorrow is my post-op appointment with Dr. Isaacson.  I don't really know what to expect from a post-op appointment, but I do expect to drop a lot of money on gas to get out there, which kind of sucks.  But it's part of the price you pay to get a good surgeon I suppose.

I hope they're as happy with my recovery as I am at this point.  I'm feeling pretty darn good, especially since I worked almost 40 hours this past week - first time since last September.

I'm really glad to be working again.  I was definitely getting tired of sitting around all day, feeling useless.  Now I work all week, and then try to find time for laundry so the boyfriend and I don't run out of clean clothes.

I'll try to not take too long to update on how the appointment goes tomorrow.

Things Looking Up?

Oh how I would love to share how things are going!

So far, my recovery has been good, overall.  It was rocky at one point, but that's just because I was doing too much, too soon, and that's no bueno.

I started my new job on Monday; my first time working since I got laid off in the middle of last September!  I was hired at a whole foods grocery store as a stocker, which I was pleased with.  It felt great to be back to work again.

What's the awesome news?  Today, on my 4th day at work, I essentially got an awesome promotion, which includes a pay raise!

Therefore, today was awesome. :)

Post-Op: Day 3

Today is the third day of my recovery.  Things haven't been too terrible, but I'm definitely far from comfortable.  I can't tell you how excited I was that I got to shower today! (You're not allowed to, the first 2 days after surgery. Yuck)

So now that I'm all clean, that does actually brighten up how I feel, a bit.  But I'm getting really tired of sitting on my butt all day.  Feeling helpless is not something I'm used to, and definitely not something that I enjoy.  I keep trying to remind myself that I have to relax and take it easy, or else it's just going to slow my recovery down.

The incision in my belly button definitely hurts more than the other two.  Above my belly button is swollen and very sensitive to pressure.  The pain meds make me spacey, but they do alleviate the majority of my pain, so that's good.

I can't even begin to describe how incredibly lucky I am to have my boyfriend in my life.  He's been taking care of me so well; from the big things like laundry, to the little silly things like helping me get out of bed because I was laying on my stomach and got stuck.  Not only is he being incredibly helpful & supportive, he's doing a great job with reminding me to slow down and take it easy.

The only word I can come up with to describe how I've been feeling so far through my recovery is "overwhelmed."  Even just going to the grocery store to get 3 things is just too much.  And I suppose that I didn't really expect that.  My emotions are a little bit out of control, but nothing I haven't experienced before.

I just can't wait until my recovery is complete so I can see if this is truly going to help me.

Post-Op: Day 1

So, my surgery was yesterday, making today Day 1 of my recovery.

I was diagnosed with Stage II endometriosis.  The surgeon removed cells from the ligaments that hold the uterus up, and from the back of my uterus.  There were no signs of adhesions.  The outlook regarding my future fertility seems to be good.

All in all, the news about what they found is great.

The pain isn't too bad right now.  I didn't end up having any of the shoulder pain that people get from the CO2.  No nausea so far, either.  Fleeting sharp pains come and go, but it's nothing unbearable.  I think the worst part was the severe dry mouth from the anesthesia.

I'm trying to rest up as best as I can.  It gets a little boring though.  Thank goodness for Netflix!

February 7th

Nothing new here, really.  Just another day.  The pain comes and goes; nothing too intense, luckily.

3 weeks until my surgery.  I know I feel somewhat calm now, but I hope that feeling sticks around as the date gets closer.

I'm just going to take it day by day, and continue to be very thankful for my fantastic, supportive boyfriend.

Do you believe me now?

Let's see.  Typical Thursday, for the most part.

Except for the fact that I stopped in at my old job that I got laid off from back in September.  I had a lot of speculation about the pain I told them I was in.  I doubt they believed me.  So I did get a little satisfaction from the look on their faces when I told them I have a legitimate condition and that I'm having surgery.  Guess I'm not making it up, now am I?

Being back at my old work reminded me of how much I liked the work I did.  I just rubbed some coworkers the wrong way, as they did to me.  It also reminds me of how useless I feel because I don't have a job.  Sure, I do a lot of laundry, cleaning, dishes and whatnot, but it's not enough.  I feel like my purpose has been taken from me.

Can't wait til this gets straightened out. 28 days and counting.

Change of Plans

Sunday night, I lay awake in bed until 6am stressing out about the fact that my surgery was in only 5 days.  Then, 4 and a half hours later, I was awoken by a phone call from the hospital telling me that Dr. Isaacson wasn't going to be in on Friday, and that my surgery had to be rescheduled.  Great way to start my day!

Anyway, due to my father's work schedule, my new surgery date is February 28th.  I'm not looking forward to another month of suffering, but I'm hoping that this new-found time will give me a chance to better mentally prepare myself for the surgery.

I'm considering giving the hospital a call to see what they can do in regards to pain management.  I'm used to just dealing with it,  but why?  Why should I have to, when there's help for me?

We'll see.

One Week

My surgery is one week from today.  I'm definitely starting to get nervous.

For starters, I've never had any type of surgery before.  The anesthesia scares me, the breathing tube scares me, the fact that so many things could go wrong scares me.  But the thing I'm most afraid of has nothing to do with what the doctors do to me.  I'm terrified that I'm going to come out of the surgery and be told that my chances of ever having children are null.  That would be absolutely devastating.

I'm trying to not focus on that.  I'm trying to keep myself relaxed, because stress hikes up my pain level, and I've run out of my bath soak.

Trying to keep my head up and stay positive... 7 days to go.

Finally Making Progress

Well, it's official.  I called the Newton-Wellesley Hospital today, and made an appointment with Dr. Isaacson.  I'm so glad to finally be heading in the right direction, especially because of how bad these past couple of weeks have been.  It was definitely a rough Christmas and New Years, but I'm trying to stay positive.

In regards to my previous pre-op appointment, my doctor's office never called to confirm the appointment, and I apparently had the appointment time wrong, and missed it.  The receptionist was very rude as always, and that's why I've decided to go straight to a specialist.  I don't deserve to be treated that way, especially on top of what I'm already dealing with.